Episode 24: Dumbass Dating with Guest Gigi Stutterheim: Laugh, Learn, Love

In this fun, insightful chat, she shares relatable dating mishaps, practical advice, and the power of setting boundaries—all with a healthy dose of humour. Perfect for anyone looking to date smarter and stay true to themselves!


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Hello world, and welcome to Choices Books and Gifts, where you always have choices. So, we have a really exciting podcast today for you. Our guest is Gigi, and she has written this absolutely fantastic book. It's called Dumbass Dating. It's fantastic. It's got humour in it. It's got things to learn about in knowledge, in dating, and what to do and how to do it. And I think it's a really good buy. I can get it on Amazon or my Choices Books and Gifts bookstore. Gigi, Good Morning.

Good Morning, how are you, Jay? I am lovely, wonderful, wonderful. And Gigi's gonna tell you a few other places it can be purchased at. Absolutely. So, I think Amazon is the best platform. You can buy it through Amazon, but of course, you can buy it as a Kindle  Kobo. You can go to friesenpress.com, the publishing company's website, and order it through them.

If you're in New York City and you go visit Jay's bookstore and gift shop, you can definitely get it there. If you're in Montreal, there are also a few places in Montreal. Still, right now, I'm in the US, and who knows who I'm talking to, but that's probably the easiest way is really just to go onto Amazon and then you'll see all or just Google dumb ass dating. You'll see the book's going to pop up, and we'll give you the options as to where you can buy it and how you can buy it.

Excellent, excellent. That'll tell you where you can get this superb book. So, I'd like to jump right into some questions because I think the book and you are inspiring.

So the first question So, Gigi, what inspired you to write dumbass dating, and what message do you hope readers will take away from it? 

Okay, so we're looking at one message here. The inspiration came from lunch with a single girlfriend, and we were commiserating about our dating lives and things like that. And all of a sudden, I said, my God, I can't believe all these dumb ass dating stories. And I went, my God, Hannah, that's the name of the book I'm gonna write, and I start tomorrow. And I need to get this in the hands of people because... So many people are out there looking for love or having different dating experiences, whether you're a newbie or not. Hopefully, I can impart a variety of information to the dating person.

Excellent, fantastic. Thank you. Can you share some of the most common dating mistakes people make that you've addressed?

Okay. So, some of the common dating mistakes are getting too excited too soon. So you're on a dating app, start communicating with the person, and have expectations. Expectations have built-in disappointments. If you state your expectations, that's different. So, expectations are getting attached too soon. Putting up with nonsense and perhaps allowing yourself to deal with personalities or behaviours that don't resonate with you. I would say those are some of the common ones.

Thank you, thank you. Yeah, I know I've been guiltier than myself. I see a face and a name, and the first conversation is excellent, and I'm ready to, you know, I'm picturing us, our wedding, walking down. I haven't done that in years because I have my lovely Lisa, but my past is that. So thank you, thank you so much. So, do you have any personal story that influenced the book's writing? Anything that happened to you personally?

I would have to say I'm going with a theme of scamming because there are scammers out there. And not just online but in person. So I've met three, two in person and one online. So, it's not just an online thing. You need to be aware of that. Yeah, so I don't know that they're scammers, but there are certain things you need to watch out for. Just be aware of someone's motivation for dating you and what they seek. So you can check that out before you go further. 

How do you chart that out? In the first, say, at the beginning of the conversation, do you have to dig deeper, or are there things we have to look up where red flags go off?

Exactly. So you can say, "Oh, hi, how are you? Exactly. One way is to say hi. How are you? What do you do for a living now if it's in person and just exchanging information names? Right there, you could, when the person's sketchy about what they do, where they're not honest, or they're not just, okay, red flag. And trust me, I have a story in there that has to do with me, where there were multiple red flags.

However, I was too entranced by the gorgeous guy. And that's it. I just got stuck on that. So be careful of scammers.

I got it. I got the same thing with women. I got it when I fell into that trap. So, how do you balance humour with giving practical advice? 

Okay, so humour, think, listen, we know, I'm a psychologist too, right? So we know that if you are in a positive frame of mind and humour creates laughter and levity, you are more open to learning. You're more, you're gonna, listen, if you had two teachers, one was funny and told jokes, but also taught, you'd be more engaged. You're gonna learn, right?

If somebody's nasty or they're boring, yawn. You know you're checked out. So the humour is interwoven there because life has funny moments, and it's just more entertaining. And it's all true. It's all true.

Agreed, agreed. Fantastic. What's one piece of advice from the book that you think is crucial for everyone?

Okay. You need to know your requirements, which means what you need in a relationship. What are you really looking for? And what are your deal breakers?

Suppose you do not commit to yourself and stick to your values and needs. In that case, you're basically bait for anybody and anything because you don't have any requirements.

That sounds great. So you're basically saying to know yourself and what you're looking for and what you're not looking for.

And where you and where you put the boundary, where you put the line.

Okay, okay, good, good. Did you make any surprising or unexpected discoveries while researching or writing this book? I got a little tongue-tied there but go with it.

Yeah, I think, you know, we're all coming into dating with different agendas. So whether you're looking for love, or just for hookups, or you're looking for new experiences, or you're looking to scam someone or not get scammed, like we, we, we, we have different expectations, and it's really not to judge anybody. If some, if a woman, for example, wants to have sex with a different person, I don't know, every week.

And that's what she truly wants. She feels comfortable and safe with that. So, let her. Men would often do that, and it was like, look at him, know he's Casanova. Right? But also, if somebody is like, no, I don't want to have sex with anybody until I really get to know them for six months, whatever, that's okay too. I always say that you have to live with any decision you make in life. Nobody else really, so choose for yourself.

I love that, I love that, to give permission to live the life you want because, as you mentioned, when guys do it, it's a Casanova. When a woman does it, it's frowned upon, and it shouldn't be. That's the lifestyle she's looking for. So, thanks for clearing that up. How do you think modern dating apps and technology have impacted the dating scene? Is it for the better or for the worse? 

I always say there are blessings and burdens in any situation. Okay, so you can, you can pick apart online dating all you want. However, it is an opportunity to have a broader reach. So, you will potentially meet people that you would never meet if it had to be just organic. The fact is that there are two-thirds more men using dating apps than women.

Wow, it's a woman's advantage to a certain extent, right? But I mean, you could have, I don't know, 500 men like your picture and your profile, but you might not like any of them. That's okay, too, right? It's just an avenue to be exposed to different people, for them to be exposed to you, because I've met people, or I know people who have met the love of their life online. They're still together, and they're super happy. Other people have met organically.

The disadvantage is, think it's like, you know, the TV channels, right? Once upon a time, around the same age. So, where you had a few channels, was it. So, right. Take what you can get and like it. Now, there's so many programs. Now you, there's analysis paralysis, right? It's like, do I, do I watch that? Do I watch that? No, I'm going to watch that. I'm going to stop watching that. I'm going to watch that. I'm going to try that. Same thing with dating apps. It's like, I don't know, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, whereas in person, I mean, once upon a time when you didn't have any of this if you met somebody and you liked them, it was like, look at that. I met someone I liked them. They like me. Let's start dating. Not like, there I've got 50 other or 200 other people to choose from.

Yeah, I like that, especially like sometimes like, if I go in, I mean, my analogy of it is if I go in a restaurant with too many choices, I'm looking at the thing for half an hour, or as you said with the TV, I'll just spend an hour clicking and not choosing. So I think sometimes less is more.

Correct. Absolutely. And the thing is, see when there are too many choices again, be it shows, food, people, you're like, if I pick that one, I may be missing out on the next, maybe I should have eaten that. Perhaps I should have watched that. So then you have regret, and no one wants to live with regret either way. So it's just, like I said, there's blessings and burdens and everything.

And my whole thing back then was, okay, I met somebody I liked, I'm dating them, but where's the next one? Are they gonna be better than her? You know, this and that. I always used to do stuff like that, and it never paid off. What role do you believe self-awareness plays in successful dating?

Okay. So self-awareness is key because if you do not know who you are or what you want or don't want, then you won't be able to recognize that. And then again, you can fall more easily into relationships that maybe aren't very productive for you, or you waste your time. And then, you know, a year later, like, what did I even date that person for? And this is for men and women, by the way. So, Be aware of yourself so that you know more about what you want and don't want, and you'll learn how to present that to somebody looking for what you're looking for.

That makes so much sense, so much. How can someone recognize if they are their own worst enemy in their dating life?

Okay, how? Here's a good one.

It's me; I'm the problem; you know what I'm saying? 

Right. You would recognize or identify that by looking at the patterns you might repeat. We all reveal patterns, all of us. So, we have to understand what our own pattern is. See, I fall in love too quickly. I romanticize after date two. Can see us like, yeah, well, exactly planning our wedding day. And it's like, wait a minute, you don't even know this person, right? I probably haven't met them in person, but here we go. It's really like you have to be careful of that so that you don't set yourself up for disappointments, you know?

Sure, sure, perfect, perfect. I love your answers. What are some red flags in Dating that people often overlook but should not? I think you went over a few. Let's get off.

 Here's a big one. So we're talking about, yeah, it's a big one here. So we're talking about patterns, right? So, watch out for someone who talks a lot but doesn't follow through. That's gotta be the worst trait, and if you want a relationship with commitment and consistency, if somebody's like, yeah, I wanna do this, and we're gonna do this. I will do or call you in two days; that never happens, and there's an excuse. Life happens, right? I mean, that can happen. But then, if something comes, Please, I said I was gonna call you tomorrow. I won't be able to meet with you, but let's reschedule. Follow through. So consistency is super, super key. If somebody says something, but their actions don't align, that's a huge red flag, which will be a significant problem.

I think that makes perfect sense, perfect sense. Especially when you start something and don't finish it, it means you're saying it for all the wrong reasons. You want to impress the girl, so you say these things, but then you can't show up with those things. Absolutely.

And then that reveals a lot of things. It either shows the person's insecurity, they're doing a sales job, or they're inconsistent. So can you rely on them? They don't make commitments. Are they lying? It starts to open Pandora's box to see what is happening here. 

Or lack of self-confidence. So I have to, you know, give you all of this so you can like me. 

Yeah. Okay. Do you think dating has become more challenging over the years? If so, why?

Again, it has only been based on what I referred to before. It has gotten more difficult. It's more difficult because people have unrealistic expectations. More expectations, more choices. So again, that analysis paralysis is not able to make a decision. Listen, we're a global community now. And so whether you've got cultural differences, political differences, financial differences, gender issues, sexual preferences, or not, right? The menu, the menu has expanded. And now it's just like, What is going on? Wait a minute. It's not simple anymore. It's certainly not. And I'm an educated woman, and you'll see my mistakes in that book. And I should know better. But you know what? I'm a human being. I come with my own past or red flags. What have you? But I'm a work in progress, and I keep learning, and there you go.

Yeah, absolutely. I learned years ago. It's the process, not the perfection. As long as you know, if we were perfect, that never happens. That will never, ever happen. So, I don't care how old or where we go; we will make mistakes. Hopefully, we will learn from them, as you said in the book. We can understand, yeah. What advice would you give to someone who feels like they keep repeating the same dating mistakes? That's perfect. We talked about those, but I couldn't break those habits for years and didn't know how to do it.

Exactly. You mean, obviously, you can engage, you know, the therapist to figure out what's going on. You can, you know, be honest with yourself by writing down everything you want and don't want in a partner. And then you can check off when you meet somebody. Did they meet your requirements after a few dates of getting to know them? If it's like, no, why will you continue that pursuit? Right.

But also referring back to patterns. What's the pattern if it's like, I'm always falling in love too fast? I'll always be falling in love too fast or too generous. So, I give the benefit of the doubt. You keep doing that. Is it working for you? No. So what is that about? Where does that come from? What's the root cause of that? That's where therapists might come in handy, or some excellent self-help books, right? One attachment theory on love languages and all that stuff. So, it's important to understand rates. One recognizes the pattern, what the pattern is, and where it comes from. If you can understand, that's subconscious communication, by the way.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, I hear you. So it's more about what you've been talking about self-awareness, understanding it, and then saying these are my mistakes. When the therapist helps recognize them, then defeat them, yes? 

Recognize them and then acknowledge them. Because if you recognize, you go, yes, I do that. And this is why. And this is how the subconscious is there to help us, to help us wake up to ourselves, to realize what we're doing, why we're doing it, and what we need to do so we can have a different outcome

if we stay in the pattern. It's like repeating grade one repeatedly until you learn your lesson in grade one so you can go to grade two. You're going to stay in grade one.

Perfect, perfect, perfect. How do you suggest people handle rejection or disappointment in the Dating world? Some of us hate to look differently. I tell you 

 

No kidding. And listen, rejection is heartbreaking, infuriating or feels so disrespectful. It's, listen, we can all have our feelings about being rejected. It's not fun. Okay. However, I've learned that if I look back on every situation, it doesn't matter if the problem is the same and I go; I get rejected for whatever reason. I have to see that it was in my favour.

That means rejection is protection or redirection. Either I got protected from someone who was really going to hurt me or protected from, I don't know, an employment opportunity that was really going to blow up in my face, or it redirected me to someone else or redirected me to a different source of income or whatever. So, I like to see it as protection and redirection. If you see it that way, you don't lose. You can't lose.

Yeah, and I love it because, you know, instead of what we think is negative, you pointed out the positive in that, and most likely, that's probably the truth each and every time you

If you think about it and reflect on your life, you're like, I got rejected by that person or situation. If you look back on it, you probably went, but that was in my best interest. It probably worked out for the better for you. It's my guess.

Yes. Yeah, no doubt, no doubt. Can you share a success story from someone who applied the principles in your book to their dating life?

Absolutely. So, the last story in the book is not me. It's somebody else, another contributor. And she was single for quite a while. She tells a little about her story and takes her time. She worked on herself with a therapist. She did a lot of work and worked on her body. She worked out. She focused on her friends and all of her passions. And then she said, okay, now it's time. 

Now I'm ready to start dating." And she knew what she was looking for. Trust me, she met a few scammers online, too. Thankfully, she never met up with them, but my God. She was this close to quitting the whole online dating thing. Then she met this guy, and they had great conversations. They met three years ago, and they're really in love. And I know that couple. Like they're a great couple.

It's great because they're in the trenches together. Still, they're on the highs together, meaning they travel, work remotely, blend their families, inspire, have each other's backs, and have fun. Mean, honestly, that's pretty good.

That's pretty mean to me, too. I agree. What do you think are some of the most misunderstood aspects of dating that you aim to clarify in Dumbass dating? 

Okay, it really is about you. You don't have to rush into anything. Trust your intuition, know what you want, and trust your energy. Energy meets energy first. You don't have to be in the same room. You could be thinking about somebody, and then two days later, they call you, or you bump into them on the street or something, right? Trust your energy, or you meet somebody online, and you're like, I don't know, but then it's like, well, let's push that away because he's cute or she's pretty.

Then, what happens is you shut yourself down regarding your intuition. You're not listening to the energy. You're doing a sales job on yourself going, well, maybe, you know, he's this, or she's that. That is, it will not work. That will ultimately backfire. It's big time, so really be careful of that. Honour yourself. You know?

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. So we're going to be coming to a close. So if I may ask you, are there any parting words besides my dumbass dating that we'd like to put out to our listeners? You have given us so much already, and I think they can learn so much by getting the bookBut what would your last thing be?

Okay, I'm huge into manifestation, energy, and setting intentions, which means you must be self-aware. You need to be clear about what you want. And you really need to know, again, there's a requirement. So, see what you wish to know what you're looking for. Be true to yourself, and be honest with other people so you're not lying to them because otherwise, you're not predicting this potential relationship on a good platform. You are not authentic, and you are not. You can't keep that up. So that's really not good at all. Take your time. Do not rush. And if you know what you're looking for and if you honoured yourself and worked on yourself to a certain extent, at least to be self-aware, you must also feel in your heart because the heart's a massive resonator.

You have to feel in your heart how that's gonna feel when you meet this potential partner and how that's gonna feel to you. And then you have to believe it's gonna happen. You have to accept it.

But then you have to let go of how and when. That you have to trust. You have to have a certain amount of blind faith to do that. But if you do that, you have just accelerated your chances of meeting that type of person. But even if it's been a year, it's been five years. It's like, okay. Hey, is there anybody there that you would have been happy with? No. So you did not waste your time. But that person rejected me. It's your protection and redirection to the right person. Please have faith. I have a girlfriend who did not go out at all during COVID. She's immune compromised; no vaccines, nothing, nothing, nothing. Very, very, very careful. Did not leave her place and did all her work remotely. She met someone. I go, how did the girl who did not go online and does not go out, how did she meet someone?

She had her sister over with some friends, and this guy showed up. They clicked, and it's been over a year and a half for them. I'm like, okay, listen, if you meet someone under those conditions, I mean, everybody can, but she did, she declared it. She said I'm going to meet somebody this year. I'm ready.

And bingo, she didn't know how she didn't know where. My thought, too, besides the rejection of protection or redirection, is I either don't win or lose. I win and learn.

I read that, and I love that. I love that. It also reminds me of this saying I learned a long time ago, know, take the action and leave the results to the powers. Like you said at the beginning, don't have the expectation. Take the action and try to let go of it.

And that's a lot of what you said. And I just want to say I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed this. I hope our fans enjoy it as much as I did because talking to you was wonderful. I learned so much. And thank you so much for being here. Thank you.

Honestly, Jay, my pleasure. And I thank you for this opportunity to speak with you and your listeners and followers. And when I'm in New York, I will pop back in. I should be there in November. I will pop into your store and say hi to you and Lisa. And Stacey, I think, was like a nice woman behind the counter when I first walked in there, and I went okay. I introduced myself and dropped off the package. So, really, did I have expectations? Zero.

I walked in. You were the first store that I went to in New York. I looked around, and I bought one of the aura angels. I think it's called Crystals for my girlfriend, who lives in New York and's here with me today to visit. And I loved it. I love anything spiritual. I love choices. That's where your power lies in your choices. You always have a choice. You can always choose how to deal with something, even between a rock and a hard place.

So all that to say is, I knew this would happen? Absolutely not. All I knew was I would introduce myself, leave a package, and that was it. So, thank you so much for appearing like this angel and having this great conversation. Thank you; it was wonderful.


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