Episode 24: Dumbass Dating with Guest Gigi Stutterheim: Laugh, Learn, Love

A humorous take on dating, featuring Alex Feeney, sharing witty stories and advice to help you laugh through the awkwardness and make better love decisions.

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Hello world and welcome to Choices Books and Gifts, where you always have choices. So we have a real exciting podcast today for you. Our guest is Gigi and she has written this absolutely wonderful book. It's called Dumbass Dating. It's fantastic, it's got humor in it. It's got things to learn about in knowledge, in dating, and what to do and how to do it. And I think it's a real good buy. I know I can get it on Amazon or in my bookstore, Choices Books and Gifts. Gigi, good morning.

Good Morning, how are you, Jay? I am wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. And Gigi's gonna tell you a few other places it can be purchased at. Absolutely. So I think Amazon's the best platform. You can buy it through Amazon, but of course you can buy it as a Kindle,  Kobo, you can go to friesenpress.com which is the publishing company's website, and you can order it through them.

If you're in a, you know, if you're in New York city and you go visit Jay's bookstore and gift shop, you can definitely get it there. If you're in Montreal, there's a few places in Montreal as well, but right now I'm to US and who knows who I'm talking to, but that's probably the easiest way is really just to go onto Amazon and then you'll see all or just Google dumb ass dating. You'll see the book's going to pop up and we'll give you the options as to where you can buy it, how you can buy it.

Excellent, excellent. I think that that that'll tell them where they can get this wonderful book. So I, I'd like to jump right into some questions because I think the book and you are very exciting.

So the first question So Gigi what inspired you to write dumbass Dating and what message do you hope readers will take away from it? 

Okay, so we're looking at one message here and the inspiration came from a lunch with a single girlfriend and we were commiserating about our dating lives and things like that. And all of a sudden I said, my God, I can't believe all these dumb ass dating stories. And I went, my God, Hannah, that's the name of the book I'm gonna write and I start tomorrow. And I need to get this in the hands of people because... There are so many people out there looking for love or having different dating experiences, whether you're a newbie or not, and hopefully I can impart a variety of information for the dating person.

Excellent, fantastic, Thank you. Can you share some of the most common dating mistakes people make that you've addressed?

Okay. So some of the common dating mistakes are getting too excited too soon. So you're on a dating app, you start communicating with the person and you have expectations. Expectations have built in disappointments. If you state your expectations, that's different. So having expectations, getting attached too soon. putting up with nonsense and perhaps allowing yourself to deal with personalities or behaviors which really don't resonate with you. I would say those are some of the common ones.

Thank you, thank you. Yeah, I know I've been guiltier than myself. I see a face and see a name and the first conversation is great and I'm ready to, you know, I'm picturing us, our wedding walking down. Now haven't done that in years because I have my lovely Lisa, but I mean, my past is that. So thank you, thank you so much. So do you have any personal story that influenced the writing of the book? Anything that happened to you personally?

I would have to say I'm gonna go with a theme of scamming because there are scammers out there. And not only just online, in person. So I've met three, two in person and one online. So it's not just an online thing. you need to be aware of that. Yeah, so and not knowing that they're scammers, but there are certain things you need to watch out. for, just be aware of what's someone's motivation for dating you and what are they looking for. So you can check that out before you go further. 

How do you chart that out? in the first, say, in the beginning of the conversation, is it, you have to dig deeper or is there, are there things that we have to look up where red flags go off?.

Exactly. So one is you can say like, oh, hi, how are you? Exactly. So one is you can say like, hi, how are you? If it's in person and just exchange information, names, what do for a living now? Right there, you could, when the person's sketchy about what they do, where they're not honest or they're not just, okay, red flag. And trust me, I have a story in there that has to do with me, where there were multiple red flags.

However, I was too entranced by the gorgeous guy. And that's it, I just got stuck on that. So be careful of scammers.

I got it. I got same thing with women. I got it when I fall into that trap. So how do you balance humor with giving practical advice? 

Okay, so humor, think, listen, we know, I'm a psychologist too, right? So we know that if you are in a positive frame of mind and humor creates laughter and levity, you are more open to learning. You're more, you're gonna, listen, if you had two teachers, one was funny and told jokes, but also taught, you'd be more engaged. You're gonna learn, right?

If somebody's nasty or they're boring, yawn. You know you're checked out. So the humor is interwoven there because life has funny moments and it's just more entertaining. And but it's all true. It's all true.

Agreed, agreed. Fantastic. what's one piece of advice from the book that you think is crucial for everyone?

Okay. I really, really truly believe that you need to know what are your requirements, which means what do you really need in a relationship? What are you really looking for? And what are your deal breakers?

Because if you're not going to commit to yourself and stick to your own values and needs, then you're bait basically for anybody and anything because you don't have any requirements.

That sounds great. So what you're basically saying is know yourself and what you're looking for and what you're not looking for,

And where you and where you put the boundary, where you put the line.

Okay, okay, good, good, Were there any surprising or any unexpected discoveries as you made while researching or writing this book? I got a little tongue tied there, but go with it.

Yeah, I think, you know, we're all coming into dating with different agendas. So whether you're looking for love or you're looking just for hookups or you're looking for new experiences or you're looking to scam someone or not get scammed, like we, we, we have different expectations and it's really not to judge anybody. If some, if a woman, for example, wants to have sex with a different person, I don't know, every week.

And that's what she truly wants. And she feels comfortable with that and she feels safe with that. So, let her. Men would often do that and it was like, look at him, know, like he's Casanova. Right? But also if somebody is like, no, I don't want to have sex with anybody until I really get to know them for six months, whatever, that's okay too. I always say, any decision you make in life, you have to live with it. Nobody else really, so choose for yourself.

I love that, I love that, to give permission to live the life that you want because as you mentioned, know, when guys do it, it's a Casanova. When a woman does it, it's frowned upon and it shouldn't be. That's the lifestyle she's looking for. So thanks for clearing that up. How do you think modern dating apps and technology have impacted the dating scene? Is it for the better or for the worst? 

You know, I always say there's blessings and burdens in any situation. Okay, so you can, you can pick apart online dating all you want. However, it is an opportunity to have a broader reach. So you, you will potentially meet people that you would never meet if it had to be just organic. And the fact is that there are two thirds more men on dating apps than women.

Wow So it's a woman's advantage to a certain extent, right? But I mean, you could have, I don't know, like 500 men like your picture, your profile, but you might not like any of them, but that's okay too, right? It's just an avenue to be exposed to different people, for them to be exposed to you, because I've met people, or I know people who have met their love of their life online and they're still together and they're super happy. Another people have met organically.

The disadvantage is, think it's like, you know, the TV channels, right? Once upon a time around the same age. So where you had a few channels and that was it. So, right. Take what you can get and like it. Now there's so many programs. Now you, there's analysis paralysis, right? It's like, do I, do I watch that? Do I watch that? No, I'm going to watch that. I'm going to stop watching that. I'm going to watch that. I'm going to try that. same thing with dating apps. It's like, I don't know, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, whereas in person, I mean, once upon a time when you didn't have any of this, if you met somebody and you liked them, it was like, look at that. I met someone I liked them. They like me. Let's start dating. Not like, there I've got 50 other or 200 other people to choose from.

Yeah, I like that, especially like sometimes like if I go in, I mean, my analogy of it is if I go in a restaurant with too many choices, I'm looking at the thing for half an hour, or as you said with the TV, I'll just spend an hour clicking and not choosing. So I think sometimes less is more.

Correct. Absolutely. And the thing is, see when there's too many choices again, be it shows, food, people, you're like, if I pick that one, I may be missing out on the next, maybe I should have eaten that. Maybe I should have watched that. So then you have regret and no one wants to live with regret either way. So it's just, like I said, there's blessings and burdens and everything.

And my whole thing back then was, okay, I met somebody I liked, I'm dating them, but where's the next one? Are they gonna be better than her? You know, this and that. I always used to do stuff like that and it never paid off. What role do you believe self -awareness plays in successful dating?

Okay. So self -awareness is definitely key because if you do not know who you are or what you want or don't want, then you're not going to be able to recognize that. And so then again, you can fall more easily into relationships that maybe aren't very productive for you or you waste your time. And then, you know, a year later, like, what did I even date that person for? And this is for men and women, by the way. So Be aware of yourself so that you know more what you want and don't want and you'll know how to present that to somebody who is looking for hopefully what you're looking for.

That makes so much sense, so much. How can someone recognize if they are their own worst enemy in their dating life?

Okay, how? Here's a good one.

Like, it's me, I'm the problem, you know what I'm saying? 

Right. How you would recognize that or identify that is by looking at the patterns you might be repeating. We all reveal patterns, all of us. So we have to understand what our own pattern is. see, I fall in love too quickly. I romanticize after date two. can see us like, yeah, well, exactly planning our wedding day. And it's like, wait a minute, you don't even know this person, right? I probably haven't even met them in person, but here we go. it's really like you have to be careful of that so that you don't set yourself up for disappointments, you know?

Sure, sure, perfect, perfect. I love your answers. What are some of the red flags in dating that people often overlook but should not? I think you went over a few. Let's get off.

 Here's a big one. So we're talking about, yeah, it's a big one here. So we're talking about patterns, right? So. watch out for someone who talks a lot but they don't follow through. That's gotta be the worst trait and if you want a relationship where there's commitment and consistency, if somebody's like, yeah, I wanna do this and we're gonna do this and I'm gonna do, or I'm gonna call you in two days and that never happens and there's like an excuse, life happens, right? I mean, that can happen. But then if something comes, Please, I said I was gonna call you tomorrow. I won't be able to have a meeting with you, but let's reschedule. Follow through. So consistency is super, super key. If somebody says something, but their actions don't align, you know, that's a huge red flag and that will be a major problem.

I think that makes perfect sense, perfect sense. Especially when you start something and don't finish it, means you're saying it for all the wrong reasons. You want to impress the girl, so you say these things and then you can't show up with those things. Absolutely.

And then that reveals a lot of things. It either reveals the person's insecure or they're doing a sales job or they're inconsistent. So can you rely on them? They don't make commitments. Are they lying? It starts to open up a Pandora's box of, boy, what is going on now here? 

Or lack of self-confidence. So I have to, you know, give you all of this in order for you to like me. 

Yeah. Okay. do you think dating has become more challenging over the years? If so, why?

Again, I think it has only be based on what I referred to before. It has gotten more difficult. It's more difficult because people have either unrealistic expectations. More expectations, more choices. So again, that analysis paralysis is not able to make a decision. listen, we're a global community now. And so whether you've got cultural differences, political differences, financial differences, gender issues, sexual preferences, right. The menu, the menu has expanded. And now it's just like what is going on? Wait a minute. It's not simple anymore. It's certainly not. And I'm an educated woman and you're gonna see my mistakes in that book. And I should know better. But you know what? I'm a human being. I come with my own past or my own red flags and what have you. But I'm work in progress and I keep learning and there you go.

Yeah, absolutely. I learned years ago. It's the process, not the perfection. long as you keep, know, if we were perfect, that never happens. That will never, ever happen. So I don't care how old we are or where we go, we will make mistakes. Hopefully we learn from them, as you said in the book. We can learn yeah. What advice would you give to someone who feels like they keep repeating the same dating mistakes? That's perfect. We talked about those, but for years I couldn't break those habits and I didn't know how.

Exactly. you, mean, obviously you can engage, you know, the therapist to figure out what's going on. you can, you know, be honest with yourself by writing down everything you want and don't want in a partner. And then you can check off when you meet somebody like, did they honestly meet your requirements after a few dates of getting to know them? If it's like, no, no, why, why are you going to continue in that, in that pursuit? Right.

But also referring back to patterns. What's the pattern if it's like, I'm always falling in love too fast, I'll always falling in love too fast or too generous. So I give the benefit of the doubt. you keep doing that. Is it working for you? No. So what is that about? Where does that come from? What's the root cause of that? I mean, that's where therapists might come in handy or some great self -help books, right? On attachment theory, on love languages, all that stuff. So It's to understand rates one recognize the pattern to what is the pattern and where does that come from? Because if you can understand and that's a subconscious communication, by the way.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, I hear you. So it's more about what you've been talking about all along, self -awareness, understanding it, and then saying these are my mistakes and when the therapist help recognize them, then defeat them, yes? 

Recognize them and then acknowledge them. Because if you acknowledge, you go, oh, yes, I do that. And this is why. And this is how it's the subconscious is there to help us, to help us wake up to ourselves, to realize what we're doing, why we're doing it, and what we need to do differently so we can have a different outcome

if we stay in the pattern. It's like repeating grade one over and over again until you until you learn your lesson in grade one so you can go to grade two. You're going to stay in grade one.

Perfect, perfect, perfect. How do you suggest people handle rejection or disappointment in the Dating world Some of us hate to look differently, I tell you 

 

No kidding. And listen, rejection is heartbreaking or infuriating or feels so disrespectful. it's, listen, we can all have our feelings about being rejected. It's not fun. Okay. However, what I've learned and if I look back on every situation, it doesn't matter the situation and I go, I got rejected for whatever reason. I have to see that was in my favor.

That means rejection is protection and or redirection. Either I got protected from someone who was really going to hurt me or protected from, I don't know, an employment opportunity that was really going to blow up in my face, or it redirected me to someone else or redirected me to a different source of income or whatever. So I like to see it as protection and redirection. If you see it that way, you don't lose. You can't lose.

Yeah, and I love it because you know instead of what we think is a negative you pointed out the positive in that and most likely that's probably the truth each and every time you

If you think about it, if you, if you reflect back on your life where you're like, I got rejected by that person or that situation. If you really look back on it, you probably went, yeah, but that was for my best interest. It was probably worked out for the better for you. It's my guess.

Yes. Yeah, no doubt, no doubt. Can you share a success story from someone who applied the principles in your book to their dating life?

Absolutely. So the last story in the book is not me, it's somebody else, another contributor. And she was single for quite a while. She tells a little bit about her story and she took her time. She worked on herself with a therapist. She did a lot of work and she worked on her body. She worked out. She focused on her friends and all of her passions. And then she said, okay, now it's time. 

Now I'm ready to start dating." And she knew what she was looking for. Trust me, she met a few scammers online too. Thankfully, she never met up with them, but my God, anyhow. She was this close to quitting the whole online dating thing. Then she met this guy and they had great conversations and they met and it's been three years now and they're really in love. And I know that couple. Like they're a great couple.

Like really great because they're in the trenches together, but they're on the highs together, meaning they travel, they work remotely, they blended their families, they inspire each other, they have each other's backs, they have fun. mean, honestly, that's pretty good.

That's pretty mean to me too. I agree. what do you think are some of the most misunderstood aspects of dating that you aim to clarify in Dumbass dating? 

Okay, it really is about, you don't have to rush into anything. Trust your intuition, know what you want and trust your energy. Energy meets energy first. You don't have to be in the same room. You could be thinking about somebody and then two days later they call you or you bump into them on the street or something, right? Trust your energy or you meet somebody online and you're like, I don't know, but then it's like, well, let's push that away because he's cute or she's pretty or whatever.

And, then what happens is you are shutting yourself down in terms of your intuition. You're not listening to the energy. You're doing a sales job on yourself going, well, maybe, you know, or he's this or she's that. That is, will not work. That will ultimately backfire. big time, so really be careful of that. Honor thy self. You know?

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. so we're going to be coming to a close. So if I may ask you, is there any parting words besides my dumbass dating that we'd like to put out to our listeners, You given us so much already, and I think they can learn so much by getting the book. But what would your last thing be.

Okay, I'm very big into manifestation and energy and setting intentions, like really big on that, which means you need to be self -aware. You need to be clear about what you want. And you really need to know, again, there's a requirement. So know what you want, know what you're looking for. Be true to yourself, be honest with other people so you're not lying to them because otherwise you're not predicating this potential relationship on a good platform. You are not authentic and you are not, you can't keep that up. So that's, that is really not good at all.Take your time. Do not rush. And if you know what you're looking for and if you honored yourself and you worked on yourself to certain extent, at least to be self aware, you have to also feel in your heart, Because the heart's a huge resonator.

You have to feel in your heart how that's gonna feel when you meet this potential partner and how that's gonna feel to you. And then you have to believe it's gonna happen. You have to believe it.

But then you have to let go of how and when. That you have to trust. You have to have a certain amount of blind faith actually to do that. But if you do that, you have just accelerated your chances of meeting that type of person. But even if it's like, but it's been a year, it's been five years. It's like, okay. Hey, is there anybody there that you would have been happy with? No. So you did not waste your time. but that person rejected me. it's your protection and redirection to the right person. Please have faith. I have a girlfriend who did not go out at all during COVID. She's immune compromised, no vaccines, nothing, nothing, nothing. Very, very, very careful. did not leave her place, did all her work remotely. She met someone. I go, how did the girl who did not go online and does not go out, how did she meet someone?

Because she had her sister over with some friends and this guy showed up. They clicked and it's been over a year and a half for them. I'm like, okay, listen, if you meet someone under those conditions, I mean, everybody can, but she did, she declared it. She said, I'm going to meet somebody this year. I'm ready.

and bingo, she didn't know how, she didn't know where. And my thought too, besides the rejection is protection or redirection is I either, I don't win or lose, I win and learn.

I read that and I love that. I love that. It also reminds me of this saying that I learned a long time ago, know, take the actions and leave the results to the powers that be. Like you said at the beginning, don't have the expectation. Take the actions and try to let go of it.

And that's a lot of what you said. And I just want to say I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed this. I hope our fans enjoy it as much as I did, because talking to you was really wonderful. I learned so much. And thank you so much for being here. Thank you.

Honestly, Jay, my pleasure. And I thank you for this opportunity to speak with you and your listeners and followers. And when I'm in New York, I'm going to pop back in. I should be there in November. I'm going to pop into your store, come and say hi to you and Lisa. And Stacey, think was like really nice woman behind the counter when I first walked in there and I went, okay. And introduced myself and dropped off the package. So really, did I have expectations? Zero.

I walked in, you were the first store that I went to in New York. I looked around, I bought one of the Aura Angel, I think it's called Crystals for my girlfriend who lives in New York, who's actually here with me now today visiting. And I loved it. I love anything spiritual. I love choices. That's where your power lies is in your choices. You always have a choice. Even if you're between a rock and a hard place, you always can choose how you're gonna deal with something.

So all that to say is, I know that this was gonna happen? Absolutely not. All I knew was I was gonna introduce myself, leave a package, that was it. So thank you so much for appearing like this angel and this great conversation. Thank you it was Wonderful.