Episode 31: Leda Mitrofanis: Self-Love - The Journey Home

In this episode, Leda Mitrofanis explores self-love, healing, and authenticity. Learn the five fundamentals of self-love and practical steps to reconnect with your true self.

Her website: www.simplyleda.com

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Podcast Transcript:

Hello world, and welcome to Choices, Books and Gifts, where you always have choices. So, we are starting the second four-part series with Leda Mitrofanis, and she will go through a second book with us today. It's a four-book series, but this is book two. But I want to tell you a little bit about her.

So, I will read a small bio, even though I did that in the first one, in case you're tuning it for the first time. You will know that she's already done one podcast with us and will do a little recap for us after I finish reading the bio. So, thanks for tuning in.

 Leda Mitrofanis is an insightful author and a leader in personal growth and self-discovery.

Her Human Case of Mistaken Identity series explores identity, self-perception, and the journey towards self-love. Her first book, Me, Myself and I, examines how our experiences shape and sometimes distort our sense of self. In her second book, which we'll be covering today, Self-love: The Journey Home Leader guides readers on a transformative path to embracing self-compassion and finding a sense of home within themselves.

With a background in psychology and a commitment to empowering others, leaders, work offers practical wisdom to help readers cultivate or authenticate self-love and unlock their true identities. Good morning, Leda. How are you? Good morning today. Thanks again for having me on. It's nice to see you. It's always a pleasure to see you and your smiling face. And, before we get started, I was hoping that you could, you know, just give a little clue about where we're at and what happened before.

Okay. So, I know you always want me to show the books when I start. I do. Thank you. Thank you for my Reminder—book one, which is me. And I don't know if you could see I'm right in the middle. Perfect. And then book two is closest to the lens. There we go. Yup. Go ahead.

 The journey home.

Our first session was great, and I apologize. I want to interrupt for one second so these can be purchased anywhere you purchase books. Amazon. You can go to the leader's website. You can go to my store. All these books can be purchased in these places. Go right ahead. Thank you. So, I think it's essential to do a quick recap.

 Yep. We talked about those who haven't seen the first video; I encourage them to do so because the books are written to take you on a journey. Steps one, two, three, and four. Right. And the two are out. The third is in the works. And just as a quick recap, we discussed in our first, in a jump-in, any time we discussed in our first, chat together that the first book is the introduction to the series and six up the stage for the following three books.

And, you know, it talks a lot initially about our current state of the world and the social media effect on our lives,

It's. both current and long-term. As the ultimate self-branding tool, social media has led us to constantly look outside ourselves for who we are and how we should be.

And this has suddenly and slowly caused us to move away from our inner wisdom and authentic sense of self. When we do this, we give our power away and become codependent on all of our external influences for constant validation. And it puts us on this hamster wheel of codependency that doesn't serve us and causes an internal emotional rollercoaster.

Okay.Right

What it does is it brings it out as it crowds out our sense of self. When we focus on only the external environment, it brings up to the surface all our insecurities and all our core wounds. Right? These are feelings of not being good enough and not worthy. And we find ourselves in this inner turmoil, constantly trying to figure out who we are.

Right? Because innately, we know that our human social conditioning is not who we indeed are. Okay. Well, thank you. So it sets this up, and it tells us that our spiritual identity is our two core essences, that we are spiritual beings having a temporary physical existence and not the other way around. And how we can take that and work with it tangibly in our lives.

Good, right? So, that was our first discussion. I know it's like a quick recap, and I strongly suggest everyone go back and listen to the first one to get into the nitty-gritty of it. I'm sure they'll do that if they're interested. Like I said, this is fascinating stuff, so it's terrific. So, self-love the journey home. My first question is how self-love, the journey home, builds on the themes of mistaken identity introduced in the first book.

So, book two focuses on the core fundamental principles of unconditional self-love and self-acceptance. And these basic principles are the key to healing these core wounds brought on by our human social conditioning.

 

 

And there are five fundamentals. They are radical self-love, honesty, knowledge, and self-acknowledgment, which is knowledge of the self, radical acceptance of the self, self-trust and self-forgiveness.

And in the book, and you know, we don't have the time to go through them here. But in the book, we talk about them in detail and what they encompass.

I also give them the spiritual perspective on all of these because as we work with both our spiritual and human existence, I try to incorporate and have people understand how each one operates and how those can be integrated and balanced with each other. So it teaches us that, most importantly, it starts by breaking down the differences between authentic self-love and false ego validation, which we have touched on before and brought on by our human social conditioning.

Right? It's who we think we are, who people have told us. We are who our culture tells us we should be Cool, right? It also teaches us how to recognise and unravel these differences so that we can understand them. That's all; it's inaccuracy so we can return to a more authentic place of living that aligns with our identities.

Right. Because that looks a little bit different for everybody. Cool. Thank you for answering that question so thoroughly. All right. Question two: what is the journey home metaphor about in the context of self-love?

That's a good question. So it's twofold home. When we see the journey home, we're, in essence, talking about our spiritual identity because it is the core of who we are.

When, you know, we're often born and raised in a particular place, right, a specific geographical location. We've lived there for all of our early years, let's say hypothetically, or there's one place where you've resonated with most, you will say, I'm going back home because those feelings you have from home mean it's a place of love.

It's a place I resonate with. It's where I'm free to be who I am internally. And so we take that home to mean our spiritual home. But it also means coming back into our wholeness.

Right. Like demented pieces of ourselves and bringing them back into our wholeness. Because, in essence, when we return to the true core of who we are in our human state, it's the same as our spiritual essence.

They're the same. Very good, very good, if that makes sense. It all makes sense so far to me. Third, why do you think self-love is challenging for people to embrace?

The short answer is that we are not taught to. Okay. Or, you know, this false sense of ego validation exists on the surface of life.

However, true self-love requires going through those five fundamentals and beginning with radical. We could take radical self-honesty, right? It's very challenging for people because you must tell yourself the unfiltered truth about yourself. This is challenging because we all have parts of ourselves, which we call our shadows, that we've disowned.

It's the parts of ourselves we don't want to look at because they bring up guilt, or maybe shame or other emotions that we don't want to deal with, that we don't want to go to because they make us feel bad about ourselves because they create pain. There's pain there, and many times, we don't have the coping modalities to we don't know what to do with the pain and how to heal it.

So we'd rather push it away, avoid pretending it doesn't exist, and continue our lives. But it works because they're constantly tapping you on your shoulder, and they resurface because the way to heal them is to sit with them, to look at them.

Right? And then to say, okay, where did I pick this up from?

Yeah. If there's something about myself I don't like, where did it come from? And then to deal with it, you know. Right. It's a level two to explore and then say, okay, how can I heal from this? Right. To recover any of these wounds that are being carried, it's ultimately a practice of forgiveness.

And that's a very hard place because we also have a skewed, if I may say, or distorted version of what forgiveness is. There are quite a few pages on forgiveness that talk about the different aspects of forgiveness, what we believe it to be, what it is, and how it serves us.

And we talk a lot about self-forgiveness because no matter what happens to us and what belief systems we've adopted along our life's path, those messages that we've internalised, positive or negative, we keep replaying them long after they've been fed to us. And it's those belief systems that are not serving us well.

Then, we need to forgive ourselves for still holding on to them.

Understood? Understood. Okay, can you explain the connection between self-love and identity? How do they inform and influence one another?

Our self-love begins in our early years, right? It is when we adopt our self-perceptions as reflected by our initial caregivers. It's those early years when we internalise the messages we receive, whether from our parents, caregivers, or our early childhood education.

We are also in those early years; we adopt our sense of value as reflected in us. Right? We have to remember that when we come in, and we're born, we kind of come in a bit with a clean slate, and we start to pick up, you know, our relationship dynamics based on what we see going on in our home.

But all of this is happening subconsciously. We're picking up messages from how we are treated. We're picking up labels. We're picking up stereotypes. It all depends on what environment each one of us looks like. Those are where our inner child wounds form, depending on how we internalise the messages that we're getting. For example, parents often say something simple, such as, you know, be a good boy and do X, or if you're a good girl, you would do Y, right?

So children at that very young age, and I'm talking younger than five, don't distinguish the difference between doing something bad, whatever that is, and being evil.

Our initial caregivers are our there are got their model of authority. So whatever they tell us, we kind of take as, oh okay, that's the way it is.

So if you're telling me I'm bad, the child internalises, I am imperfect, and I am bad can manifest into, you know, I'm not good at this. I'm not good at that, whatever it could be. And that morphs into our adulthood and forms an underlying pattern. And this is a very, very simple, basic example. And this is not to lay blame on our caregivers.

It's just the language we parent. The way our parents parented us, for the most part. And many times when we become parents, we often say, oh wow, I'm doing what my mom did that I said I would never do right. Those are the underlying subconscious patterns. So, the idea is to become more conscious and aware so we don't repeat those patterns.

But this is not about laying blame. This is just about understanding how these things are created and how our self-perception is then created because it's reflected to us by the adults who are raising us to understand. And those become all our identity. Yeah, yeah. As we said, when you're a child, you're a sponge, and everything you know comes in.

So, it means so much to us because we are so young, and everything is so new to us. So, I ultimately see your point 100 %.

Well, yes. We also create our belief systems early on. That's what I mean. Stages. Right. Because our belief systems are handed to us by our culture, our initial socioeconomic background, and wherever we're influenced and living.

Those are the belief systems we adopt at an early stage. And as we age, we must understand that belief systems lead to behaviours. Our belief systems guide our behaviours, which later form our patterns. So it's essential to bring awareness in moments and say, okay,

Why is this happening in this way? Do I? Is this mine? Is this what I believe, or is this just kind of what was handed to me? But I will let it go because it no longer resonates with me.

Yeah, yeah. It doesn't speak to me.

All right. So, five, are there any myths or misconceptions about self-love that you aim to dispel in this book?

I do, and I would think the most prominent one right now is self-care. Self-care exists when self-love is already present.

And what we're doing is the reverse. We're using self-care as a way to get to self-love. But self-care is often something we do externally from the outside in, as opposed to from the inside out.

Okay, so it's essential with us in self-love to return to those five fundamental core principles. And when those are present in any way, self-care becomes the natural outer manifestation of self-love. Very cool, very cool. All righty. What are some of the practical steps you suggest for readers who struggle with self-compassion?

Self-compassion starts with ourselves, and it's about how we treat others much more kindly than we would. I hear you

 So I, yeah, yeah. So I think the most straightforward answer here, and I go into this in detail, but the simple answer is to take all that kindness you would give to someone else and give it to yourself. Being our own harshest critic is not serving us the same way. That you would cut some slack, say to someone else, is what you should do for yourself.

It sounds like self-compassion has a lot to do with, you know, self-love. You need to have self-love to have self-compassion, self-perception, and self-perception. Okay.

How does mistaken identity play a role in our difficulties with self-love?

When I talk about mistaken identity, I mean when we are living from our false ego, which only identifies with our human identity, right? And living from that place by default means living in a world outside of ourselves. We base our sense of value on our external circumstances: what kind of car we have, where we're living, how much money we make, what job we have, where we're eating, and how we're dressing right.

And those are all things that are fleeting and temporary. When I talk about giving our power away, when we rely on those things for our sense of value and to define who we are, we are at their mercy. Right. They then have power over us, and then our identity becomes much more superficial when, in fact, it runs much, much more profound.

We get our sense of identity from who we are internally, how we perceive ourselves, and how we know ourselves to be. We have value regardless of what we're doing in our outside lives. It's inherent.

Okay.

We don't have to get it from someone. We don't need someone's approval to have it. It's already there.

You know, it's funny you talk about this question, and I find the people I'm attracted to are really. The people that need the least and seem to me to be the happiest.

That's just something I've noticed over the years.

Right. When you have self-love, you now choose to live the life you want, what you're doing, and who you're with. It's not based on need. Yeah. Whereas most people are based on need because they need something from you to fill a void that's not coming from within themselves.

Okay.

All right. Number eight, the book title implies a return or a homecoming. What do you mean by this? And what does home represent for each of us?

So, as I touched on this before, yeah, we did touch on it. Yes. Yeah. So, home is returning to the truth of who we are and our authenticity, which is the same as saying we're returning to our spiritual selves.

Okay. And number nine, how vital is self-love in informing and maintaining healthy relationships with others?

This is huge. This is going to be the topic of my next book. Three. This is when we address our core wounds, insecurities, sense of value, and self-perceptions. And we learn through the process of the five fundamentals how to love ourselves and be our authentic selves.

The more we are loving and accepting of ourselves, the more we are loving and accepting of the people we are in a relationship with. We are not in relationships with people because we need them to validate us, because we need something from them, and we don't have a requirement that they be something external.

This means having X money, jobs, and looking a certain way. Those things become secondary. When in relationships, we start looking for two connections. Because that's what a relationship is, and that's the basis of a lasting relationship.

It’s a true connection.

It may sound so simplistic, but it's almost like I can't love someone until I love myself first.

Exactly. Okay. No one outside of you today can give you more than you are willing to give yourself. They can try, but you will only accept and receive at the level that you're at and be able to love it. Lady, you're doing such a great job.

Okay, number ten, how does one know if they are truly practising self-love versus what might be superficial or externally motivated?

This is why the first chapter tackles the difference between authentic self-love and false ego validation. We talk about the two selves: the ego and the false ego.

Right? And in short, we, you know, we know what the two self is. We know what the ego is now. Right? So, the ego itself is the actual gatekeeper. That's where our free choice resides. And that's where, at any moment, we're trying to; we're always choosing what we will do. We're always making choices about, you know, how we will behave and what we will do.

Even if it's subconscious, it's still a choice, right? And in that space, we start to hone our skills and learning. The differences between two self-love and false ego validation and false ego validation will always be fleeting.

It's very, very temporary. Okay, And if it's something that you are looking to get from outside of you, it's, you know, it becomes an addiction, right? I need this drug. What is my drug of choice?

What is it that I need to give myself? That love? I have somebody to see me as I am, love me with all my faults and shortcomings, and understand that I am on a journey like everyone else. That doesn't make me less valuable, but when I reach for that thing, whatever that drug of choice is, it could be constant validation. It's different for everyone. It means you're not getting it from within you. And that's how you know you're not in authentic love. And you need to turn inward. Yeah, yeah. You see, I come from a 12-step background, and it sounds so much like, when I hear you speak, it comes from Slay or Codependence anonymous things like that. With that, you know, it's not so much alcohol or drugs, but what do I need to make me, you know, feel happy as a person, you know?

Right. And it's. Will you be looking for that part of you that you feel you're missing, which is that love, that complete, unconditional love? But we're looking for an outside somebody else to give it to us.

Right? Only we can give that to us. That's the mistake we're making. The more we keep looking outside of ourselves, the more it will fall short and keep pointing us inward until we come to that moment when we say, oh, wait a second, I can do this myself.

I know how to love myself. Yeah, that takes practice. But Yes, I agree with you.

 But yes, all right. In the book, do you outline any specific practices or exercises to cultivate a genuine sense of self-love?

I do that in each section. Okay. I talk and give a little bit of how we can do it because I'm building it towards the end of the book. So I offer a couple of practices with each component of the book, but chapters, I think 4 or 5 author exercises, it's just kind of a list of exercises we can do with a bit of description of each one we can do daily.

That will help us start cultivating that sense of self-love. It is actually about bringing us into the space of stillness. Okay.

Or what you call meditation, right? Right. But meditation can be many different things, and it gives more understanding and helps. There are tools to help you get from A to B because you have to remember to process.

 It's a process that takes time. Absolutely. It takes time. And I don't think you ever reach that total, you know, pendulum. There's always something else we can learn or do to improve our lives. You see, it never it never ends that constant. It gets so much easier, but it's a never-ending journey.

Well, yes, because the process needs integration, and this type of integration has to be incremental because we have to master the first step before we can get to the second.

Okay. All right. How does our relationship with self-love change throughout a lifetime, And why is it essential to revisit?

I don't think we revisit it. It's ongoing. I want to share with everyone that this isn't something you do, and then you stop doing it, and then you pick it up. This is who you are.

It's a part of you. Kind of like if you are, for example, a gym rat, you don't think anymore. You get up every day, and you go, and you take care of your physical being and your physical fitness. And it's the same way the process of loving ourselves is incremental. And in it, as we master each step and practice them, it grows exponentially. So yes, it becomes easier. But there may be a time in our life when we get a bit of a backpedal if you will, when something happens, and we're triggered.

But we are not in the same place where we started. We've already grown and learned to a certain degree, and so it doesn't affect us the same. We're like, oh, okay, I know what to do here. Now, with this kind of thing. Right? Yeah, I Certainly agree with that. I know that in my process, early on, it would take me so long to get out of my head.

You know, I was told that the worst place to be is right here. And now, I'll let you know if I'm in a bad place. I can get out of it within seconds or minutes of practising what you're talking to us about right now. Right exactly. You don't have to stay there. I can change it like that. and it usually works.

All right. How can you share a story, for example, from the book, where someone reconnects with self-love and how it impacts their life? I don't know if that's a difficult one, but do you have any examples? 

I also used a case study in the book. In the second part, I talk a lot about our inner early years because I'd like to draw the parallels and connect the dots between the internalised messages and how we're given specific messages.

It's like the broken telephone: how we internalise them, how they develop belief systems, and then they build behaviours and how we carry those into our adulthood. Right. So, I talk about that case study.

Okay. And so everyone can resonate a little bit. You know, I kept it generic. So then they can connect the dots.

Then, I will discuss how we can take all that and what we can do. What do we do with that? How do we travel that? How do we heal that? And that's the step into self-love. Good, good. Examples always help us in yes, yes, yes, especially in this arena.

Yes. In what ways do you think society discourages self-love? And how can readers counteract these pressures?

Well, the choice is always ours as to what level we will be exposing ourselves to our outside influences, and the outside influences will always be there, but it's our job to keep these in balance and to keep who we are influenced by in check.

So if we are hanging out with, you know, we talk about the five people in your innermost circle. If you're hanging out with people who are going places where there's much negativity, much complaining, much victimhood, a lot of blaming and shaming, that is the energy you're going to absorb. And that's telling you that you're resonating on some level with that.

That's the tool and the teacher to walk away and say, wait a second, why? Why am I in this place? Why do I think I need to be here? Yeah, yeah. So it's about a choice. We cannot wholly obliterate our external influences. But we can choose what we let in and how we create our balance with that.

Yeah, I like that. I have a lot of 12 self-references, and, you know, it's in the 12 steps. They say, you know, hang out with the winners, meaning you want people who have been around and work in a good program and work the steps. And you know, it's funny because there's another saying that if you hang around in a barber shop long enough, you'll get a haircut.

Right. And what I mean by that is, you know, you're saying, hang on to the good people in life, the people that influence you healthily and positively, as opposed to hanging out with people that, you know, have bad judgment, that is you know, make bad decisions and things of that nature. And that's what I felt you said.

Well, yes. And I want to offer this exercise. So we are the total of the five people closest to us. Okay. Take those five people objectively and write down everything you know about them. They're pros and cons. And then ask yourself, I'm in a relationship with the person, this person, friendship, whatever your relationship status is. And then ask them, how are they feeding me?

How am I feeding them? What are we bringing to each other? Are we, when we're together, uplifting each other? Are we helping each other to grow and evolve, or are we just passing the time? Or are we just whining about something, you know, and it's not, and we're not? We're doing some observation and discernment, not judgment and criticism.

And this is key. We're not judging someone. We're observing ourselves because every one of those five people reflects something about ourselves that we're still hanging on to. And we have to decide what we're hanging on to and what we still want to hang on to. Yes. Understood entirely and agree.

What messages or encouragement would you offer someone at the start of their journey home to self-love? What? What would I do if I walked into your office, and what would you tell me?

I'm going to tell you two things. I'm going to tell you you're not alone.

 And I'm going to tell you that you already have all the tools and wisdom you need within you to return home to your authentic self-love and self.

You already have it in you. It's not about changing. It's about uncovering what's been hidden most of your life that you didn't know existed. Yeah, I like that that's what I can say. Yeah, I like that a lot. Well, we're coming to the end of our second podcast out of four. And you did a terrific job.

Thank you.

And you know me by now, and I always ask, are there any final thoughts you'd like to leave us with? Yeah, I want to encourage people that it's not the mountain they perceive. It is. That's just a perception that we have, and we do. We are fully equipped with everything we need to live the life that we're living, and we came in with that innately. It is about remembering who we are and uncovering all of those gifts and talents that we already possess.

 In my private counselling sessions, this is what I help everybody do. I help them unravel their wounds. And what doesn't help them sift the wheat from the chaff to figure out who they are and how they want to move forward?

Right. And, you know, I love that you brought that up because, you know, so many of us. I know for myself, too; in the beginning, I thought, oh my God, I must change my whole life.

 And for years and years. Like, the whole process would take so long, and you just said, you know, it doesn't take as long because you already have what you need. We have to pull it out of you. So I thank you for that, and I appreciate you. And I want to say thank you to the world for tuning in.

I want to say thank you so much. Stay tuned for two more of our podcasts. They're going to be fantastic. As good as this one. May God bless you and look after you always. Thank you.  Thank you, Jay, for having me again. Always!